Bo Jackson was an amazing athlete until a hip injury ruined his career in football, and all but ended his baseball playing days. Imagine for a moment where you would pick Bo Jackson in your fantasy football league if the year were 1988-1990. I want you to really put some thought into this, so I’ll give you a few moments and a new paragraph to read while you contemplate.

America is obsessed with fantasy football. Despite what Jimmy Kimmel said during halftime of the Patriots Week 1 NFL Kickoff win, fantasy football matters to the masses. Most people aren’t as hardcore as Meatloaf (if there was ever a thought that just seemed wrong, that was it) who was in 33 different leagues last year; most fans will take part in a league or two. It is something fun to do with friends and co-workers, a unique bonding experience that turns family into trash talking egomaniacs. What started in the 1980’s as a game for football nerds (an oxymoron if I ever heard one), has grown into a multi million dollar entity.

We now return to our regularly scheduled topic, Bo Jackson’s fantasy value. Here was a player that averaged five and a half yards a carry and just under one hundred yards a game. Sounds like a potential first overall pick (like LaDainian Tomlinson), but he had drawbacks. Bo knew baseball, and would miss mini-camp for the Kansas City Royals and the daily grind of a playoff race (ok, ok even back then the Royals couldn’t make the playoffs). Jackson only played nine or ten games a year, but you knew which games he would be playing in, unlike an injury prone player who might miss the same number of games (Fred Taylor or Priest Holmes come to mind). Jackson also split time with a Hall of Fame running back in Marcus Allen. Neither were the blocking fullback type of player, but both men would have been successful running behind an offensive line comprised of high school players (Barry Sanders or Jerome Bettis in his prime provide a nice comparison).

So Bo misses mini-camp, the first six games of the season and isn’t even the number one option in his own backfield. So where would Bo get drafted? Would he be drafted? How would you rate his stellar performances against the time he would be missing? Draft him too early and you could put yourself in a hole in the early part of the season (as well as being the mockery of your league), but waiting too long would mean you could miss out on an elite player. From my own experience Jackson seems like a good middle round pick (6^th-9^th round), after you have 2 or 3 solid running backs and wide receivers and a quarterback.

At this point you may be wondering why anyone would care about the fantasy value of a player from over fifteen years ago, and I can’t say I blame you. To be honest this isn’t about Bo, actually it is about Ricky Williams. Wait, come back, and hear me out. Williams has been the target of jokes and prejudice from columnists, reporters, and just about everyone except Cheech and Chong. Ricky is in a unique situation this year, not all that different than Bo Jackson was in many years ago.

First off, I know Ricky was the poster boy for pot until Randy Moss took the focus off Williams, at least until week 5 of the NFL season. I am not trying to say Bo used drugs, just that with the four game suspension and a bye week Williams will play at most eleven games, only one more than Jackson. Williams may not have to earn playing time from a Hall of Famer, he is going to have to earn a role in a backfield that features the Miami Dolphins player of the future and the number two overall pick in the draft. Ricky looked a bit rusty at times during the preseason, a product of a year without football. During his playing days Bo often played with nagging injuries or fatigue from the baseball season. Neither is the best way to start a season. Both men were elite running backs and players who could truly change not only a game but also a season. If you break it down, Bo and Williams have several key similarities, at least for this year. Williams even use to be a baseball player.

Where was Ricky Williams drafted in your fantasy league? In most leagues he wasn’t drafted at all. People did draft him because they forgot about his suspension or had him picked in an auto-draft (why play if you don’t have a live draft?). Williams will most likely see some hot waiver wire action as week five closes in, but he will be cast aside like Courtney Love’s music career if he has a lackluster game in his first week or two with the Dolphins. This is a travesty of fantasy justice, on the same level of picking up every starting pitcher on the waiver wire each day and then dropping them (which I have seen punishable by castration in one baseball league).

I selected Williams in all of the leagues I am in. I am content to wait a few weeks without Williams to take a chance that he will come close to returning to his previous performances. Even Ricky at 75% is better than most late round options in running back heavy leagues. I was usually able to get Williams in one of the last three rounds, but with the verbal abuse I took for selecting him, I am sure he would have gone undrafted. I wasn’t taking that chance. In fact I did not see one “expert” who would have spent a pick on Ricky, except as a last round gamble. I may be crazy (actually doctors having been trying to prove that for years) but I would take 2005 Ricky Williams ahead of 1998-1990 Bo Jackson. Ricky is playing for his career and his way of life, and that would motivate anyone to put up great numbers. Besides, in the famous Nike commercials, I never heard “Bo knows fantasy football”.

Captain Charisma Conspiracy?

Welcome your favorite returning Lethal writer, the Killer Canary. I have returned as the Wrestling Outlaw because…well I needed something to do at lunch and when I need to look like I am actually doing work. If you liked my previous columns the work to follow will be just like it. If you didn’t like my previous columns then don’t worry, this will be nothing like my old stuff. If you have never read any of my work before, than ask around and you will find out that I wrote stuff. Also check out http://onlineoutlaw.blogspot.com/ for my sports columns (I am trying to become a sports writer, if you have any leads let me know) and other random crap that enters my head. I will post when I get a chance but I promise it will be more frequent than The Snipa (just kidding ol buddy). I usually have a few paragraphs on a topic, a bunch of quick thoughts on the news and happenings of wrestling (the more ridiculous and stupid the better), + and -, feedback (send me some), and my pet project that I will introduce. As always I welcome any feedback at ccolinv@gmail.com

CAPTAIN CHARISMA COPYRIGHTS AN EXCUSE?

By now every site has covered the story the WWE (from now on “the E”) has been forced to pull the Captain Charisma gimmick due to the fact they don’t own the copyright to the name. This has left Christian in the hands of creative (poor CLB) to try to find a new identity. To buy some time Christian has a “broken nose”. I don’t believe this story for a minute. If the E says they don’t own the copyright then I am surprised because they trademark anything they may ever think of using. Why let Christian use this gimmick if they couldn’t secure a copyright?

A few months back the E and Hogan took on Universal over the name “Hulk”. After negotiations a mutually beneficial settlement was reached. So why couldn’t the E negotiate to use the Captain Charisma name? In fact, who owns the copyright? I did some digging and I couldn’t even find who owns the name. I saw one report that it is a small Indy promotion worker near Washington D.C., but I couldn’t confirm that. It doesn’t appear that the name is owned my any major studio or comic company, as was the case with “Hulk’.

Of the seemingly dozens of ideas for Christian, the Captain Charisma seems to have been the best since he became a singles wrestler. He was over with the fans and was up on upswing with his career. All of a sudden Christian took a nose dive and the news about giving up the gimmick surfaced. I am not saying this is a career ending turn of events, just an unfortunate one. Where does Christian go from here?

What gets me annoyed is the E’s response to this situation. They must have tried to trademark the name either before they found out it was taken, or perhaps that was how they learned it was in use. If an Indy worker in fact owns the name, the E could have purchased the rights. Unless the person thought it was going to lead to a contract or major publicity, he just struck gold. The E could throw twenty G’s in his lap, he could use a similar name (Mr. Charisma), and make a huge profit for pretty much doing nothing. The only conclusion I can think of is that the E didn’t want to invest in Christian or his push. Since this seemed to come out of left field it may have been an excuse to crush his push. A bit of a conspiracy? Perhaps, but does anything else make any sense about this?

CATTLE MUTILATION IS COOL
Mr. Kennedy……..Kennedy has the “it” factor. His match versus Paul London on WWEdotCOM (showing matches on our website for 3, count ‘em, 3 weeks now) was a thing of beauty. The duo did everything right, too bad London will be main eventing in Ring of Honor by Wrestlemania. Kennedy knew what moves to sell, has amazing mic skills, gets humor heat (not an easy thing), and has a fantastic finishing move (now called the Green Bay Plunge). Funny that London will get released for being annoyed because he couldn’t use high flying moves, while Kennedy can use an even more dangerous move with no issues.

What happened to Cena having humor heat? Let the man bust out the rap, Kurt Angle is the perfect target and on Raw Cena can be more brutal and vulgar than on SmackDown. He needs to get the crowd back on his side because his title run is as stale as Fozzy.

When (will) the E let Paul Burchill use his finisher from his European matches? It is a Rock Bottom setup where instead of slamming his opponent down, he does a standing back flip. DAMN AMAZING

What has happened to Johnny Nitro? He is a former gymnast but he can’t take any kind of bump at all. When he took a backdrop from Heidenrich he almost blew out his knee trying to do a full somersault. The more time he spends in the ring the less athletic he gets. During Tough Enough (whatever number it was) he got a huge reaction for being able to do a standing SSP. The E pushed it as a once in a lifetime move (sorry Amazing Red I guess you don’t count. Maybe if you weighed over 107 pounds it would be a bit more impressive). Joey Matthews carries M&M’s, Nitro is just an injury waiting to launch Mathews singles career in the E.

Best quote in recent wrestling memory came from Rhino at the TNA PPV. “After suffering 4 years of agony in wrestling hell, there is no more Hollywood bitches showing him how to act.” Classic, funny, and true. Although, you did get fired for getting into a bitch fight with your wife at the Hall of Fame dinner, and you did ruin the event for a bunch of old guys who have nothing else to live for, like Hogan and Piper, and Sly Stalone.

EdotCOM is allowing you, the mindless fans (E’s words, not mine) to vote on the new Randy Orton T-Shirt. Here is the strange thing. You have 3 choices, two of which used the n.W.o logo and turned it into RKO. Could this mean another new n.W.o? Maybe the thought is scary enough to make the fans pick the 3rd choice, a boring shirt. Maybe the E is using the logo because they can, fans can only hope. Who would be in the RKO? Orton, maybe Mr. Kennedy, Christian (not a bad idea actually), M&M’s, Brock if they can get him back? Or maybe a heel turn for Hardcore Holly? If this doesn’t make you shutter and vomit blood while in the fetal position I may need to bring up the WWE n.W.o with Booker T, Big Show, and the three legged man, Scott Nash.

Sean Waltman was a no-show for the TNA PPV despite being in a match for the Tag Team titles. He won the Candido cup with Alex Shelly and earned a shot at the titles but never came to the ring. Chris’s brother (and wrestling talent) Johnny jumped the guardrail to be Shelly’s partner, so it may have been a setup. This will just add fuel to the Waltman to the E rumors. TNA has an $80k deal on the table ($2K per show plus bonuses) but the E would give him a lot more. I smell Waltman in the E and Candido in TNA.

Ring of Honor has a new Commish! But they wont announce him/her until next month. BOOOOO. My money is on Jim Cornette and his tennis racket of doom as his enforcer. If I am wrong I will show you a topless picture of the biggest breasts in ROH.

Mike Posey (TNA’s wrestling ref) signed a contract with the E and has been sent to the Deep South Territory to train. I hope he gets a call up soon and can be a wrestling ref. Ref bumps and out of place refs have screwed up so many matches and it is too predictable. A ref that can bump and fight back would be a nice wrinkle to the E.

Speaking of the E Deep South, does the promotion have name? Just Deep South? Freakin Lame. If must have taken 6 members of creative to come up with that.

Dusty Rhodes is booking SD now. Yikes. He has a knowledge of wrestling and booking, but so does Kevin Nash. Maybe we will get a return of the Golden One. I DEMAND MORE GOLDUST! MAKE IT HAPPEN DUSTY, YOU FLABBY BITCH!

I agree with Mr. Billy James Ass Outlaw Kip that if creative can’t come up with ideas for wrestlers than creative needs to be fired, not the wrestler. How can you be in creative if you don’t have any ideas? Don’t think about that for too long or your brain will explode like Samoa Joe chopping a watermelon.

PLUS MINUS
+ The E signing Kid Kash, Johnny Swinger, CM Punk, Alexis Laree, and Matt Stryker.
- WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY? Have you seen the shit on TV? Get them on Raw and SD now! No dark matches, no Heat, No Velocity.

+ Heidenrich getting a role that actually fits well with him and giving Animal something to do.
- Having no tag teams for them to feud with except M&M’s

+ Rey and Eddie have had a great feud but let it end for the love of all that is holy
- What do Rey and Eddie do now?

+ Signing The Juice, Psychosis, and Super Crazy, giving them the Mexicools stable and letting them run crazy.
- Giving any of the three of them a mic. What the hell are they saying? Turn Rey heel and have him talk for them. Or let Chavo join, oh wait he is now transforming into Frank Sinatra on Raw.

ADVENTURES OF THE IMITATORS

The WWE is boring. Creative has run out of ideas so I am here to help. Enter the newest stable in wrestling, The Imitators. Your regular wrestling jobbers will no longer be cannon fodder, they we be punching bags who imitate famous wrestlers from the past and present. (Think bWo, DX imitating Nation of Domination, etc). We need a roster for the stable so here we go…

FUNAKI - Remember a few years ago when Funaki and Taka were “Evil, Indeed!”, and spoke no English? Well that was fun for a while, but Funaki was meant for better things. (Taka? He was won about 25 Japanese titles and tournaments, but then again so has, um, well, nobody. Way to go Vince! Judge that talent. Just out of curiosity, how is Mark Henry’s 10 year contract working out?). Funaki has grown into the top jobber in the World and is Smackdown’s #1 Announcer!!! He is a force to be reckoned with.

THE BLUE MEANIE – The world’s best damn parody man. He may be a personal favorite of mine but he isn’t exactly a skilled grappler. He is meant for humor.

STEVEN RICHARDS – The most underrated wrestler since Owen Hart. He has the complete package, but was never given a real chance.

SPANKY – I just love this guy. He has skill and is funny as hell on his own.

FAROOQ – A big, bad-ass, and has a great sense of humor. Great in a bar fight and can kick the shit out of JBL.

THE NON-TERRORISTS FORMERLY KNOWN AS HASSAN & DAVAIRI - They need a new reason to be on TV after getting screwed like a pornstar on congical visit day.

Next Column will have the first parody!

I am a big fan of TNA and ROH, but I am too poor to buy their DVDs, with a growing 8-month-old girl (a wrestling and baseball fan), a wife, and a crappy job. So if you have any old ones you don’t need and wanted to get pimped for them, send them my way. I am outta here, hit up my email and my site for comments and to see my other writing. I hope you enjoyed the trip to the underbelly of wrestling. ccolinv@gmail.com

The Wrestling Outlaw
Back like jock itch and nobody’s bitch

AOL HURRICANE NEWS, IN SATIRE FORM

The hurricane is no one's fault, but the reactions to it are. I colored some of the best quotes. At times (very, very rare times) I love AOL, only because their unintentional comedic news division. (Stupid quotes in bold & red, my comments in bold.)

WASHINGTON (Sept. 7) - President Bush and Congress pledged separate investigations into the widely panned federal response to Hurricane Katrina on Tuesday as Senate Democrats said the government's share of relief and recovery may top $150 billion.

"Bureaucracy is not going to stand in the way of getting the job done for the people," Bush said after meeting at the White House with his Cabinet on storm recovery efforts. (Too Late it already did)

"If our system did such a poor job when there was no enemy, how would the federal, state and local governments have coped with a terrorist attack that provided no advance warning and that was intent on causing as much death and destruction as possible?" said Sen. Susan Collins, R-Maine. (Wow, that from a republican. She won't be reelected)

Stung by criticism, Bush called congressional leaders to the White House for a meeting, their first since the hurricane spread death and destruction on a fearsome scope along the Gulf Coast and left much of New Orleans under several feet of floodwaters.

Congress formally returned from a five-week summer break during the day, signaling that the hurricane would take top billing on the agenda in the coming weeks.

The response "needs to be first and foremost," said Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., although he, like Bush, also stressed the GOP goal of confirming John Roberts as the next chief justice by the time the Supreme Court convenes on Oct. 3. (gotta have priorities)

Congress approved $10.5 billion as an initial downpayment for hurricane relief last week, and $40 billion will be requested for the next phase of relief and recovery.

"I believe that the recovery and relief operations will cost up to and could exceed $150 billion. FEMA alone will likely require $100 billion in additional funding," Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid of Nevada said in a statement issued after he talked with relief officials and Sen. Mary Landrieu, D-La. An aide to Reid, Rebecca Kirszner, added, "Our priorities right now are targeted assistance for health care, housing and education."

Apart from the investigation announced by Collins and Sen. Joseph Lieberman, D-Conn., the Senate Energy Committee arranged hearings on gasoline prices. The hurricane disrupted oil production and distribution in the Gulf of Mexico, and gasoline prices that had already been rising spiked sharply last week in some areas of the country.

For his part, Bush told reporters he was sending Vice President Dick Cheney to the Gulf Coast region on Thursday to help determine whether the government is doing all that it can.

The president has traveled to the storm-affected region twice since late last week.

"What I intend to do is lead an investigation to find out what went right (nothing)and what went wrong (you)," Bush said. "We still live in an unsettled world. We want to make sure we can respond properly if there is a WMD (weapons of mass destruction) attack or another major storm." (Um, weapons? Who started the storm? Halle Berry? An evil X-Men member?)

But Bush said now is not the time to point fingers and he did not respond to calls for a commission to investigate the response. (Bush hates when people point fingers at him. FINGER POINT OF DOOM!!)

"One of the things people want us to do here is play the blame game," he said. "We got to solve problems. There will be ample time to figure out what went right and what went wrong." (Too easy)

Bush was devoting most of his day to the recovery effort. After the Cabinet meeting, he was gathering with the congressional leaders, representatives of charitable organizations and with Education Secretary Margaret Spellings to talk about assistance for displaced students and closed schools.

McClellan said the president also was increasing what he described as a sizable personal contribution to the Red Cross and also was sending money to the Salvation Army.

Meanwhile, Bush objected to references to displaced Americans as "refugees."

"The people we're talking about are not refugees," he said. "They are Americans and they need the help and love and compassion of our fellow citizens." The president raised the subject during a meeting with service organizations that are helping with the relief effort. (He said that after he was returning from his vacation on his million-dollar ranch, flying over the area in Air Force One, and saying “Glad I don’t live there”)

In another development, the commander of the Army's 82nd Airborne Division said that its paratroopers plan to use small boats, including inflatable Zodiac craft, to launch a new search-and-rescue effort in flooded areas of central New Orleans.

In a telephone interview from his operations center at New Orleans International Airport, Maj. Gen. William B. Caldwell IV said his soldiers' top priority is finding, recovering and evacuating people who want to get out of the flooded city. (As opposed to those who like to tread sewerage with no food or water)

There has been heavy criticism of the government's response to the hurricane, and city and state officials. Bush did not respond directly when asked if anyone on his disaster response team should be replaced. (No shit, really? Avoid a question, so unlike our President)

The president said that he and his Cabinet members were focused on planning in several areas of immediate need -- restoring basic services to affected areas, draining the water from New Orleans, removing debris, assessing public health and safety threats and housing for those displaced by the storm. He said it was important to get people's Social Security checks delivered to them.

Earlier, McClellan rejected suggestions that the poor, and particularly blacks, had been abandoned when New Orleans was evacuated. "I think most Americans dismiss that and know that there's just no basis for making such suggestions," McClellan said. (Well except for those Americans who can get a copy of a diversity survey, or, maybe, just maybe, HAVE A TV THAT SHOWS THIS EXACT THING 24/7, EVEN ON THE FOOD NETWORK)

Thanks, I'll be here all week. So will Bush. If he actually went to New Orleans he would be assassinated within 10 minutes by 357 different attackers.

Athletes Kill My Braincells

It might be true that you can’t write up to your potential if you are angry. If that is really the case then I am in trouble. Nothing fuels my passion for writing more than having something gnawing at me. It could be a bonehead play, something in my personal life, the stupidity that runs rampant in sports, or simply just being in a bad mood. I always feel that writing gives me the release I need to calm myself and prevent a vein in my head from bulging to the size of a sewer pipe, a la Alonzo Mourning’s forehead. Like an already ejected manager coming out to spit venom at an umpire, I need to get some things off my chest.

Barry Bonds, Carlos Delgado, Jason Giambi, Jim Thome, and David Ortiz all have something in common. Opposing teams employ an overshift that puts the shortstop on the opposite side of second base, the third baseman where the shortstop usually is positioned, and the second baseman in short right field. I am not a big fan of this because most of the time power hitters don’t pad home run their totals with ground balls they turn into inside-the-park homeruns. These men are generally line drive or fly ball hitters, making the overshift virtually useless. One other thing these men have in common is a lack of speed. Ever since I first saw this defensive setup I have been waiting for someone to drop a bunt down the third base line, guaranteeing a base hit even if Manny Ramirez (with two broken legs) was running. Until last week it was never even attempted. In Kansas City, the Red Sox had just thrown two runs up on the board with a home run from Edgar Renteria. Ortiz was up next and dropped down a bunt Rod Carew would have been proud of. The Royals were flustered and the next batter, Manny Ramirez, launched a ball into the empty outfield bleachers. Ortiz put the thought of a bunt into the Royals head and disrupted them enough to make them look bad, which, to be perfectly honest, isn’t very difficult. In the next series against the Tigers, Ortiz tried to bunt against the overshift, but fouled the pitch away. The damage was done, as the shift shifted back a few steps. The next pitch was a hard single into short right past the diving second baseman. Without the bunt that moved the second baseman, the ball would have been a routine ground ball out. All it took was a half dozen years for someone to attempt to try to beat the shift by using their brain and not their muscles. Just another example that Big Papi is more than a home run hitter, he is a professional hitter.

My Brain Hurts Story of the Week

About 200 major league baseball players wear $23 titanium necklaces made by the Japanese company, Phiten, according to a June New York Times report, with many accepting the company's claim that they improve circulation and reduce muscle stress. Said a company spokesman: "Everybody has electricity running through their bodies. This product stabilizes that flow of electricity if you're stressed or tired." Said New York Mets pitcher Heath Bell (who has two necklaces): "If you think it works, it's going to work. If you don't think it works, it's not going to work. But I'm going to keep wearing it, because next year, there will be something new we'll all have to get." [New York Times, 6-22-05]

What do you think it would take to get Sidney Ponson and Raffy Palmeiro from the Orioles? Take on their contracts and send Peter Angelo’s squad a Gatorade bottle of pine tar, maybe a case of jockstraps?

Julio Franco is 47 years old and is still better than the right handed platoon of the World Champion Red Sox. Franco is a freak of nature. I remember him as a skinny, fast shortstop almost twenty years ago. He should play until he is 50. Ironic that the oldest baseball player since knickers were cool is the only position player on the Braves roster who isn’t a rookie.

Note to Cedric Benson: Agents are what is wrong in sports. You were drafted by a team with a decent running back already, and then held out until training camp was almost over. Look at Philip Rivers and Larry Johnson’s careers for an example of how productive a holdout can be.

Barry Bonds should just make up his mind about playing or not. I don’t care if we ever see him in uniform again. If he changes his mind about playing this year again I am going to beat him with a crutch and take away his steroids, I mean flaxseed oil.

If Wilt Chamberlin really slept with twenty thousand women than either he was shooting airballs or he must have enough kids to fill an NBA roster.

Finally a television network made a good decision. Spike TV is airing UFC, both matches and their reality show. Ultimate Fighting is the best sport American’s don’t pay attention to. Picture boxing (without staged Don King fights), wrestling, martial arts, a street fight, and throw it in a cage. Set on puree for 5 minute rounds and you have a recipe for one amazing sport.

Is there anything in sports bigger than Terrell Owens ego? I am amazed that he could be in San Francisco at the same time as Barry Bonds without California breaking off from the rest of the country and sinking into the Pacific.

Sports publications seem to be convinced that the Patriots are destined to miss the playoffs. Look at the Jets and Bills, they aren’t much better than last year, possibly worse if their QB play stays the same. The Pats may have lost some talent but they added incredible depth and are still the best team in football. I am not going to guarantee another Super Bowl trip, but they are more of a lock for the playoffs than any other team in the AFC. Colts fans, this isn’t your year, and it won’t ever be. Tony Dungy treats every game the same, from preseason to playoffs, and he has said that himself. If you need further proof just look at what the Bucs did after he left. Dungy is a good coach, but he doesn’t have that extra level of intensity that true winners need. It shows in his team’s lack of swagger. Put Bellichek, Tom Coughlin, Dennis Green, Bill Parcells, Mike Holmgren, or another driven coach in his place and the Colts would be a completely different team.

If Larry Brown has a heart problem is coaching the New York Knicks safe? Has his doctors seen his roster and game footage? I hope the money is worth it Larry because you will spend more time in lottery land than the Clippers. (Didn’t you use to coach them?)

The Royals celebrated the end of their 19 game losing streak with champagne. Call me a purist but after about 9 games I would have started to hit my players with champagne bottles until they played like a real team. You don’t celebrate not losing a game; you celebrate when you actually win something important. I am a bit disappointed in Buddy Bell that he let his team act like ending the streak was a big deal. You are still an awful team, and you were going to win eventually. That celebration is the winner for “Most Pathetic Moment in Sports” award. To quote Vince Lombardi, “What the hell is going on around here?”

Until next time, I’m looking for the few, the shameless, the infuriating, the downtrodden, the idiotic, and the egotistical athletes to type some sense into.

If Sports Were Fair

Sports imitate life; neither is fair. Pompous athletes slack off and make millions, while hard working players with a little less talent end up lucky to have a job. Big market teams spend tens of millions of dollars on talent, while small market teams struggle to stay afloat. It often seems like the sports world is a David vs. Goliath battle, but the giants are crushing the underdogs. In the feel good story of the year, here is what would happen if sports were actually fair…

Tedy Bruschi – The defensive leader of the Patriots would be on the field this year instead of at home recovering from a stroke. He made a good decision by sitting out a year to make sure his body is fully recovered.

Terrell Owens – Owens never would have complained his way out of San Francisco. If he wanted to leave he would have accepted his trade to Baltimore, signed a contract and been happy and quiet. Now he got hurt, just lost in the Super Bowl, became the poster boy for spoiled athletes, got sent home from training camp, and ULTIMATELY ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING. If he would only injure his oblique during his next sit-up press conference or require his jaw to be wired shut after a vicious hit he would have been given justice.

George Steinbrenner – The Yankees continue to lose, George continues to spend, and Lou Pinella is hired to manage the Yankees next year. Pinella would knock The Boss out by Arbor Day .

Larry Brown – The Knicks young players won’t listen to Brown (and they won’t) and he and Isiah Thomas are destroyed whenever they have to head back to Detroit. After the first time those two go back to the Motor City they may never be heard from again.

Chicago Cubs – After 56 trips to the disabled list this year between Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, and Nomar Garciaparra, the Cubs stay healthy enough to make the playoffs. It would be nice to see them win the World Series but after last year this Sox fan is convinced Nomar has now inherited the curse. Poor Mia Hamm.

Mike Tyson – Go away. Go far, far away. Become a monk, study Far Eastern fighting styles and try to become a K-1 fighter in Japan. Just do something far away from here. And get bitten by a Sumo wrestler.

Lance Armstrong – You have ridden off into the sunset and become the athlete this generation recognizes as being truly courageous. Don’t do anything stupid and blow it. Use you name and fame to further cancer research and the sport you love. You are a walking (riding) success story.

NHL – Improve your game and get fans back into arenas again. Losing your ESPN deal and ending up on Comcast and OLN for TV coverage is punishment enough for now.

Kenny Rogers – Pitch eight innings of a perfect game. When you come back into the dugout after the eight inning, trip on the dugout steps, fall arm first into a camera lenses and be forced to retire.

Matt Leinart – You had it all last year, National Championship, Heisman Trophy, and a chance to be a top draft pick. Show that you still want to play for free and don’t get hurt or a big head. You will be rewarded on the next draft day.

Phil Jackson & Kobe Bryant – You are destined for a mediocre at best team. Enjoy the lottery, first round playoff losses, and being worse than the Clippers. Have fun driving yourselves crazy, nobody deserves it more.

Don King – You realize that boxing is dead and retire. You lose your hair and go broke trying to promote a professional roller derby league.

Manny Ramirez – The next time Manny asked for a trade he would be traded. The next time he went into the Green Monster during a game he would be locked in there. The Red Sox would be better off defensively anyway.

Drew Rosenhaus – In an unprecedented move all four major sports ban Drew from representing any player, ever again.

Shawn Kemp – Kemp will get back in shape and make an NBA team. All his salary will go to support his 7 illegitimate kids.

Shaq – Shaq will write a movie about his life during the next off-season. The script will be fantastic, but Shaq will be prohibited from acting in his or any other movie. The role of O’Neal will be player by Oliver Miller

Barry Bonds – In his first at bat back after his injuries, Bonds will hit a broken bat home run. Upon examination of the bat, it will be found that his bat is on steroids. Bonds will be suspended, randomly drug tested, test positive, be suspended again, test positive again, be suspended again, test positive again, be suspended again, test positive again, be banned from baseball, and end up in the independent leagues playing with Rickey Henderson.

Cris Carpenter – After a promising start to a career in Toronto, Carpenter was derailed by arm injuries. He will end up wining the Cy Young award in the National League. What does Clemens need another one for anyway?

Jeremy Roenick – He is no villain for his comments about hockey fans. Roenick will put up the best numbers in Los Angeles since The Great One played for Barry Melrose.

Bud Selig – Bud will get his tougher steroid policy as the last act as commissioner before he is removed by a more likable and efficient person. Welcome your new Commish of baseball, Peter Gammons.

Tim McCarver – He will be attacked by thousands of fans that are sick of listening to the worst announcer in baseball. Red Sox fans get the first crack at him. Kevin Kennedy tries to help and is overwhelmed by the angry mob. Joe Buck no longer has to cover for his bias and is replaced with Steve Psycho Lyons.

Mark Fields – A fast and permanent recovery from cancer and a quick return to the Carolina Panthers lineup.

Las Vegas – After doing an amazing job hosting the 2007 NBA All-Star Game Las Vegas gets a baseball and basketball franchise. The teams thrive and have no problems in Vegas.

Pete Rose – Rose is allowed into the Hall of Fame after admitting he never took steroids

Felix Hernandez – The 19 year old phenom has been called the next Doc Gooden. Hernandez excels and becomes one of the best pitchers in baseball. Unlike most other Seattle superstar players he spends his entire career as a Mariner.

Ted Nolan – After being blacklisted from the NHL for a decade Nolan gets another chance at coaching in the NHL.

Peter Angelos – As one of the worst owners in baseball, Angelos has brought down baseball in Seattle and Baltimore. After fighting to keep the Nationals out of Washington, baseball decides to move the Orioles to Las Vegas and remove Angelos.

Curt Schilling – He is allowed to return from his exile in the Boston bullpen after the Sox find someone else to close. Schilling returns to the rotation and helps the Sox make the playoffs again. The Sox promise to let him have a lifetime contract id he just shuts up.

Raffy Palmeiro – Raffy is brought before Congress and charged with lying about his claim of not using steroids. Congress has Palmeiro deported back to Cuba.

Vince Carter – After playing (or not playing) himself out of Toronto Carter played great for the Nets. Too bad Carter blew out his knee in the Nets first trip back to Toronto.

Shaun Alexander – After whining about losing the rushing title by one yard and threatening to hold out, Alexander leads his team to a great season. In the last game of the season the Seahawks need a touchdown to make the playoffs, but Alexander comes up a yard short on the last play.

Washington Nationals – After playing in front of dozens of fans in Montreal, the Nationals make the make the playoffs and sell out RFK stadium.

Don’t expect the sports world to turn into a place of justice overnight, if at all. Don’t lose hope though; I never thought I would see the Red Sox win a World Series or a Patriots dynasty. Miracles do happen sometimes.

How To Make People Like Hockey Again

No sport ever completely recovers from a strike or lockout. Some fans will still hold a little bit of resentment about the way that adults acted like children when it comes to sports. Work stoppages hurt everyone, not just those playing the games or owning the teams. The sad reality is that the hockey lockout could have been avoided. After having to cancel a season the players took a deal that was worse than what they were originally offered. No matter how much money you have made there are still bills to be paid, child support and alimony to dish out.

I am shocked at how well the salary cap and player salary structure has worked out. It is exciting to look and see an All-Star sign with a team that never could have afforded him before. This may bring about parity like the NFL, but smart well-managed teams will develop a winning program. The biggest problem with the reshuffling of the league’s players is a lack of continuity. It is tough to remember who signed with what team, and if after a year layoff if a star will still be a star. Expect the big name players who are at the end of their careers to slow down in the second half of the season, but the young players who played in the minors last year to become the game’s new stars.

Hockey needs to move on and bring the fans back into the arenas, which will be much easier said than done. Gary Bettman and associates need some ideas, not only on how to improve the game but also on how to make right with the fans. Luck for him I am here, I have the keys to his office, Tony Twist, Rob Ray, Bob Probert, and the Hanson brothers by my side, and I am not leaving until Mr. Commish gets the message. (No not the gender questionable “Mbop” Hanson Brothers either, the Slapshot trio). Here are the demands in no particular order

1. Establish young stars that will bring a fresh face to the game. Yzerman, Lemiuex, Leetch, and Forsberg are names we all know and didn’t forget. Get the word out on future superstars such as Patrice Bergeron.
2. Any odd-man rush that is broken up inside the blue line by a defensive penalty will now result in a penalty shot.
3. No shootouts, no ties. If a game ends in a tie score after sixty minutes play 4– on– 4 until a team scores. It might take five minutes it may take forty minutes; let a true winner be decided.
4. Bring back the Glow Puck and Flaming Slapshot that Fox used in the mid 90’s. Some people hated it but ratings went up and unless you have High Def on your television seeing the puck can be a chore.
5. Don’t shave an inch or two off goalie pads, make them wear 1970’s equipment, except for the ugly masks.
6. A bigger ice surface. 12 feet longer and 5 feet wider. This will open the game up more as players have gotten bigger.
7. Put sponsors on jerseys (see European hockey jerseys). This will help bring in revenue that can be passed onto the fans in lower prices for tickets, food, souvenirs, etc.
8. Cheerleaders. Hot women, cold temperatures, you do the math.
9. If a team scores a power play goal the player stays in the penalty box the entire length of the penalty.
10. If two players get in a fight the loser gets two more minutes in the box, the winner gets two fewer. Mike Tyson will have an office and will review all fights. Within a minute after the fight he will appear on the Jumbotron and squeak out the winner. If there is no clear-cut winner the players will fight in the penalty box.
11. A redistribution draft would have worked but since hardly any players were under contract make everyone a free agent if you were drafted before 2001.
12. Off sides is now a thing of the past.
13. If goalies want to leave the net to handle the puck then let them be fair game for checking like any other player.
14. If you are in front of the net you can use your skate or hand to knock the puck into the net. The only exception is that you can’t throw the puck into the net.
15. Barry Melrose and his mullet are now the supreme authority in hockey. You deserve to be suspended, he dishes out the penalty.
16. Coaches can go onto the ice to argue with a ref about a call, but only if it is a call involving a goal.
17. Players get stickers on their helmets like college football players do. You don’t get the stickers for goals, you get them for hustle plays, killing penalties, etc. Give the hard workers credit.
18. After the college season is over a new draft takes place so that the undrafted players end up going to the teams that need them the most. Base the draft order on the league standings.
19. Las Vegas gets a team (expansion), the Hurricanes move back to Hartford, the Panthers and one other American team move to Canada.
20. All Canadian teams pay players in US Dollars. Adjust the salary cap to match the exchange rate so Canadian teams don’t get squeezed.
21. The Red Wings can now have their fans throw octopus on the ice again.
22. More mascots, but not stupid cartoon characters. (Phillie Phanatic is a good model, Wally the Green Monster is not.)
23. More give away nights. Give shirts, bobbleheads, mini sticks, cards, anything but pucks witch will end up on the ice.
24. Season ticket holders get bonuses like meet and greats, autograph sessions, etc.
25. Open at least one practice per week to the public. Charge about $3 per person and donate the money to charity.
26. All ticket revenues from the preseason to help reimburse the zamboni drivers, t-shirt vendors, and stadium employees how lost their job last year.

That is all the changes for now. “Probert and Ray, stop working over Bettman, he won’t pee for a week after what you did to his kidneys”. Twist and the Hanson’s are going to stay around as Mr. Commissioner’s “Special Assistants”.

Milwaukee Schmucks - How To Ruin A Franchise In Less Than A Month

July 26, 2005 ( By Chris Vining ) The sports world is an ultimate example of "What have you done for me lately?" NBA coaches have lead their teams deep into the playoffs only to be replaced or rumored to be jettisoned (Rick Carlisle and Stan Van Gundy for instance). Players are far from immune to this phenomenon as well. Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker twice helped to carry the Celtics to the Eastern Conference Finals and then were traded and/or ripped apart by fans and the media.

The cause is a simple, albeit unfortunate, reality. Winning teams make money, while losing teams cause people to lose jobs. If you are a powerhouse team in a major market (such as New York or Los Angeles) you can't take the time to rebuild, you must win now. That win at all costs philosophy has certainly helped nudge teams into making awful decision.

In the 2003-2004 season the Milwaukee Bucks were a playoff team, Terry Porter was a coaching genius, and Milwaukee was a happy place. Last year the cheese wheels fell off the Bucks bus. Poor salary cap decisions hurt the team, as Anthony Mason's large bank account can prove. Point Guard sensation TJ Ford suffered a potentially career threatening spinal injury, and the Bucks took an early summer vacation. The outlook for the Bucks looked bleak as star guard Michael Redd said he would leave as a free agent if the team didn't make drastic improvements. Porter was fired as coach in the first piece of what would be a major makeover.

The Bucks did get lucky in the NBA playoffs, just not on the court. Milwaukee landed the number one pick in the NBA draft, winning the draft lottery. After much speculation about what direction to take with the first pick, Australian Andrew Bogut donned a Bucks hat on draft night and signed the same week. Bogut will take time to develop as he is only 20, but has a great upside. He might be one of the best passing centers since Arvydas Sabonis was in his prime in Europe. Once free agency opened Milwaukee threw over ninety million bucks at Michael Redd, who decided to remain a Buck. Milwaukee even received encouraging news that TJ Ford was recovering and was going to be able to play in the 2005-2006 season.

Amongst the joy in Dairyland the Bucks proved that it only takes a short time to ruin a promising future. Redd was signed but at an amount that took up a large portion of the salary cap. He received a maximum contract when he could have been signed for a few million dollars a year less. The Bucks then went out and signed small forward Bobby Simmons to a five year forty-seven million dollar contract. Simmons had a good year for the Clippers but he doesn't fit in with the Bucks. Desmond Mason is the small forward and Michael Redd is the shooting guard. Simmons is now making over nine million dollars a year to be a reserve. Throw in the deal that sent a second round pick next year for swingman Jiri Welsch, and the Bucks have four men making more than the GNP of Uruguay to play two positions.

Milwaukee made a smart decision by deciding to keep athletic center Dan Gadzuric. The contract was absurd. The man who will be a backup in a few years will be the recipient of an insanely generous six year thirty six million dollar deal. Gadzurik was a great player to keep, but most likely would have resigned for a third of price. The Bucks also want to keep a third center Zaza Pachulia. This is a team with no reliable power forward and three centers. Joe Smith was the number one overall pick, but the key word is was. Smith is a good role player but isn't anything more than average. He has lost a step and doesn't have the moves and athletic ability that made him a star. The Bucks needed a reliable power forward and have yet to address this issue.

Last year Maurice Williams did a good job filling in for TJ Ford but he is a backup on a decent team. He played well but had a poor turnover-to-assist ratio and showed his inexperience at crucial times. A veteran point guard is needed, especially with Ford's health in question. The Bucks decided to let Eric Strickland leave as a free agent, and there are few point guards in this year's free agent class.

So who is coaching the new look Bucks? One of the big name coaches available this year? Flip Saunders? Phil Jackson? Larry Brown? Paul Silas? Nate McMillan? Nope, it is Terry Stotts. The former coach of the Atlanta Hawks, a team worse than the Bucks. When I tried to find something positive to say about Stotts, only one though popped into my mind. Who the #&^% would hire him to rebuild a team? Not exactly a glowing review.

What has General Manager Larry Harris done to the Bucks? This was a team with the #1 overall draft pick, millions of dollars to spend, a great coach, and talented players. Now the Bucks will soon find themselves maxed out on a roster filled with holes. Not exactly a well planned out off-season for the CheeseWizards. In less than a month the Bucks went from a potentially great situation to bubble team hell. Welcome to Wisconsin, home of the Dumb Bucks, dontshknow.